I can’t believe you have been gone a year. I guess that is probably because I still don’t let myself think about the fact that you are gone. Still. It is a hard task though, since so much reminds me of you. I can’t believe a year ago today I hugged you for the last time, you told me you loved me for the last time, I held your hand as you slipped away from this earth.
It is so crazy how much a part of someone’s life you can be. You leaving made me realize you were my rock, even when we were miles apart. I have always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but now that you are gone, I feel just the opposite. I am not the person who is always emotional but I don’t think a day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t had to wipe away tears when thinking about you. Every day is hard enough, and then you add on holidays and special events. Christmas, my birthday, Father’s Day, your birthday, Valentines Day (you always made sure I had a valentine...bringing me balloons to work or sending me a card when you were away), the 4th (always my favorite holiday with you because we would go play bingo together at the high school), and especially my wedding.
Dad, I want you to know that I married the most amazing man. You always taught me not to settle and to be with someone who was strong and caring and could take care of a family. I wish so badly you could have really got to know Cody, because he is so much more than that. He pushes me the way you always did, constantly encouraging me. My wedding day was the best day of my life, but all day I wished so badly you could have been there. You would have been so proud of James though, he really filled your shoes well.
This past year without you has been quite a busy one. I moved again and I am still in school. I started coaching this year but it is sooo hard for me to play with the girls. Sports were always our thing, you always made that a priority and so it is hard for me to do it without you. That sounds silly, huh?
I miss you so much. I miss hearing you say “SASSO!” when you call me, I just miss you calling me! Sometimes I will pick up Cody’s phone when it is ringing and it says “Dad calling” and it just breaks my heart because mine will never say that again. I miss your silly sense of humor and even your stubbornness. I miss being able to send you cards and pictures and I miss just hugging you. Mostly I miss you dancing around the living room!
The night before you left was the worst night of my life. You struggled so much to just eat your dinner, I stayed up with you most the night. I was strong though, I didn’t want you to see me cry and I wanted you to feel like the parent still. I remember in the morning leaving your house and going to see my mom and I just broke down. I couldn’t bare to see my big, strong dad so weak. I got myself together and went in to make you some breakfast. You thanked me for taking care of you the night before.....my heart just sank. And then it happened, you were just sitting there and you slipped into unconsciousness. I held your hand for hours and just talked to you and sang you songs from our childhood. I wanted so badly to hear you say you loved me once again. James was hours away and we thought he wouldn’t make it...but I know you held on for him. When he got there, you woke up! And I got my wish...you said you loved us. Then it happened again, you were unconscious. The two of us sat there beside you for hours, singing to you together and just talking. Then you took your last breath....and you were gone. I remember that EXACT moment. Everyone was sooo upset but I just had this moment of peace, because I could imagine your spirit leaving your body and you were free. No more pain or suffering...no more treatments, no more coughing or nausea. You were once again the strong man you had always been.
Daddy, that day was so hard but I am so glad I got to be there with you. I am so fortunate because the day before I had talked to you and told you everything I could possibly need you to know. I apologized for so much and thanked you for everything. I know that you knew I loved you and there are no regrets now.
So today is 1 year since you have been gone, and every year from now on will be that much closer to when we get to be together again. I know that you are a righteous man and you are in heaven. I know that you see me and I want to always make you proud of me. I love you so much, you are my inspiration and my heart. I can’t wait to be reunited as a family so we can all dance together in heaven.
I love you daddy, so so much.
Love always,
Sissy Missy
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