Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Oops!
Well I started a blog and then kinda forgot about it! However I have been blogging here and there on Facebook so I just posted all my old blogs here...updates to come after finals week ;)
Veteran's Day / Into the Wind’s Breath and the Hands of the Star Maker
So every year on Veteran's Day my dad and I would go to the cemetery and watch the service they would provide. My dad, grandpa, brother and uncle are all Vets. My grandpa lost an eye in one war and my uncle lost his life in another. Veteran's Day and Memorial day were always so important to my dad. I had to write a applied theory narrative for my nature writing class and I think it applies today so I thought I would share....
Into the Wind’s Breath and the Hands of the Star Maker
In thinking about the world around me, in particular nature, I am torn between it’s true definition and what it is to me. According to the Wilderness Act of 1964, “A wilderness... is hereby recognized as an area where the earth and its community of life are untrammeled by man, where man himself is a visitor who does not remain.” I have heard many times that everyone should have a special place to go to when they need to think awhile: a private spot on the lake, a great view off a mountaintop, or a meadow filled with wild flowers. To me however, nature itself is the utter peacefulness of the earth, it’s stillness and grace. Maybe it doesn’t have to be untouched, so long as it still has the same power and tranquility.
He took me there once, many years ago. He had spoken of this place often but I had never been. We walked along the graveled path in silence, though I knew he had so much to say. There were rows and rows of them, all the same in shape and size. They were a brave grey, each etched with white lettering. I read the names on each as I passed by didn’t think twice about them. We rounded a bend and he stopped. His eyes seemed to change as if he were standing in that exact place thirty years earlier.
He explained it so vividly to me as if it were the first time he had spoke of it. It was mid-morning and the air was cold though the wind stood still. He heard many sounds around him: the leaves crackling on the ground as people marched on, the sobs of those near him and possibly even himself, and the slow muffle of the cars that came. They came in a row, probably a hundred of them he guessed. He remembered being surprised at how many had come. Family of course, and friends and classmates and neighbors and even strangers.
He was only fifteen but he realized at that moment that he was now a man. His older brother, only nineteen, was about to be lowered into the ground here after coming home from the war in a box. The tragedy was great and the tone in his voice saddening. However, I remember he told me how beautiful it was. Morbid to many to think that a graveyard could be beautiful and serene, but to him it was. It was as if he was standing there, with all these people moving around him and yet he was there all alone, just him and his brother. The earth has that affect on someone he said, it’s stillness gives us a minute to get a grip on reality.
I have thought about that day often, the day my dad took me to the Golden Gate National Cemetery and the day he had lived through decades before. I have always thought it odd to think of a cemetery as peaceful as nature. Sure the landscaping is beautiful: green grass perfectly cut, blossoming flowers and flowing trees. Of course there was reverence all around, the only sounds being those of animals around or visitors. Still, the extreme affect the earth had on him I did not comprehend until I returned to that place ten years later.
I remember the day quite vividly. It was the same as he had explained it. The air was cold around me but the wind stood still. It had that wonderful Fall smell, I crushed the leaves as I walked down that graveled path in silence. I looked over those same rows headstones, but this time I read the names as I walked by. I thought about the people who inhabited the graves, their lives and their stories. I had acquired the reality of the history that was all around me.
I was surprised at how many had come. Family of course and friends and his old classmates and neighbors and even strangers. I remember thinking about what he had told me, how to him the graveyard was beautiful and serene. I was having a hard time not allowing myself to become overwhelmed by grief of his death. It was at that moment that I saw it’s beauty, that I felt the stillness the earth gave me. As we approached the grave of James Stanley Childers, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t there to once again visit my uncle. This time, I was here to bury Francis Gilbert Childers, my father. He loved this place and always wanted to be laid to rest next to his big brother.
As my brother walked up next to me, clutching the urn that held the man I loved so dearly, I tried to let go of the world around me and feel as my dad had when he buried his brother. I enjoyed a few minutes where it was just me and my dad. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace as my brother lowered him into the ground. Of course this place was not wilderness, it had been trammeled by man. But to me, it was nature in it’s purest form and it was beautiful. It was at this moment that man was returned to the earth that had created him:
Into the freedom of wind and sunshine
We let you go
Into the dance of the stars and the planets
We let you go
Into the wind’s breath and the hands of the star maker
We let you go
We love you, we miss you, we want you to be happy
Go safely, go dancing, go running home (Ruth Bergess)
Janise Ray spoke of her childhood in a junkyard. Aldo Leopold spoke of his life on a farm. To these individuals, these places were nature to them. And through these places, both observers credit nature and the world around them for who they are. Each has a desire to preserve nature and has a strong respect for its impact on the individual and recognition of the impact the individual has on nature. I could not agree with them more. Though the cemetery served a practical purpose, I can’t help but think about what it truly holds. So many lives and memories and stories and feelings have been buried at this place. It’s significance is astounding. Nature itself is the utter peacefulness of the earth, it’s stillness and grace. Maybe it doesn’t have to be untouched, so long as it still has the same power and tranquility. Every time I drive by a cemetery, I let the power of the earth overwhelm my grief and for a moment I am at peace.
Into the Wind’s Breath and the Hands of the Star Maker
In thinking about the world around me, in particular nature, I am torn between it’s true definition and what it is to me. According to the Wilderness Act of 1964, “A wilderness... is hereby recognized as an area where the earth and its community of life are untrammeled by man, where man himself is a visitor who does not remain.” I have heard many times that everyone should have a special place to go to when they need to think awhile: a private spot on the lake, a great view off a mountaintop, or a meadow filled with wild flowers. To me however, nature itself is the utter peacefulness of the earth, it’s stillness and grace. Maybe it doesn’t have to be untouched, so long as it still has the same power and tranquility.
He took me there once, many years ago. He had spoken of this place often but I had never been. We walked along the graveled path in silence, though I knew he had so much to say. There were rows and rows of them, all the same in shape and size. They were a brave grey, each etched with white lettering. I read the names on each as I passed by didn’t think twice about them. We rounded a bend and he stopped. His eyes seemed to change as if he were standing in that exact place thirty years earlier.
He explained it so vividly to me as if it were the first time he had spoke of it. It was mid-morning and the air was cold though the wind stood still. He heard many sounds around him: the leaves crackling on the ground as people marched on, the sobs of those near him and possibly even himself, and the slow muffle of the cars that came. They came in a row, probably a hundred of them he guessed. He remembered being surprised at how many had come. Family of course, and friends and classmates and neighbors and even strangers.
He was only fifteen but he realized at that moment that he was now a man. His older brother, only nineteen, was about to be lowered into the ground here after coming home from the war in a box. The tragedy was great and the tone in his voice saddening. However, I remember he told me how beautiful it was. Morbid to many to think that a graveyard could be beautiful and serene, but to him it was. It was as if he was standing there, with all these people moving around him and yet he was there all alone, just him and his brother. The earth has that affect on someone he said, it’s stillness gives us a minute to get a grip on reality.
I have thought about that day often, the day my dad took me to the Golden Gate National Cemetery and the day he had lived through decades before. I have always thought it odd to think of a cemetery as peaceful as nature. Sure the landscaping is beautiful: green grass perfectly cut, blossoming flowers and flowing trees. Of course there was reverence all around, the only sounds being those of animals around or visitors. Still, the extreme affect the earth had on him I did not comprehend until I returned to that place ten years later.
I remember the day quite vividly. It was the same as he had explained it. The air was cold around me but the wind stood still. It had that wonderful Fall smell, I crushed the leaves as I walked down that graveled path in silence. I looked over those same rows headstones, but this time I read the names as I walked by. I thought about the people who inhabited the graves, their lives and their stories. I had acquired the reality of the history that was all around me.
I was surprised at how many had come. Family of course and friends and his old classmates and neighbors and even strangers. I remember thinking about what he had told me, how to him the graveyard was beautiful and serene. I was having a hard time not allowing myself to become overwhelmed by grief of his death. It was at that moment that I saw it’s beauty, that I felt the stillness the earth gave me. As we approached the grave of James Stanley Childers, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t there to once again visit my uncle. This time, I was here to bury Francis Gilbert Childers, my father. He loved this place and always wanted to be laid to rest next to his big brother.
As my brother walked up next to me, clutching the urn that held the man I loved so dearly, I tried to let go of the world around me and feel as my dad had when he buried his brother. I enjoyed a few minutes where it was just me and my dad. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace as my brother lowered him into the ground. Of course this place was not wilderness, it had been trammeled by man. But to me, it was nature in it’s purest form and it was beautiful. It was at this moment that man was returned to the earth that had created him:
Into the freedom of wind and sunshine
We let you go
Into the dance of the stars and the planets
We let you go
Into the wind’s breath and the hands of the star maker
We let you go
We love you, we miss you, we want you to be happy
Go safely, go dancing, go running home (Ruth Bergess)
Janise Ray spoke of her childhood in a junkyard. Aldo Leopold spoke of his life on a farm. To these individuals, these places were nature to them. And through these places, both observers credit nature and the world around them for who they are. Each has a desire to preserve nature and has a strong respect for its impact on the individual and recognition of the impact the individual has on nature. I could not agree with them more. Though the cemetery served a practical purpose, I can’t help but think about what it truly holds. So many lives and memories and stories and feelings have been buried at this place. It’s significance is astounding. Nature itself is the utter peacefulness of the earth, it’s stillness and grace. Maybe it doesn’t have to be untouched, so long as it still has the same power and tranquility. Every time I drive by a cemetery, I let the power of the earth overwhelm my grief and for a moment I am at peace.
I'm Alive
My new favorite song- the lyrics are SO good...
I'm Alive
So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that
I'm alive and well
It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me... I'm alive
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
I'm alive and well
Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well
And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah I'm alive and well
Kenny Chesney
Feat - Dave Matthews
An Entire Year Without You
I can’t believe you have been gone a year. I guess that is probably because I still don’t let myself think about the fact that you are gone. Still. It is a hard task though, since so much reminds me of you. I can’t believe a year ago today I hugged you for the last time, you told me you loved me for the last time, I held your hand as you slipped away from this earth.
It is so crazy how much a part of someone’s life you can be. You leaving made me realize you were my rock, even when we were miles apart. I have always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but now that you are gone, I feel just the opposite. I am not the person who is always emotional but I don’t think a day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t had to wipe away tears when thinking about you. Every day is hard enough, and then you add on holidays and special events. Christmas, my birthday, Father’s Day, your birthday, Valentines Day (you always made sure I had a valentine...bringing me balloons to work or sending me a card when you were away), the 4th (always my favorite holiday with you because we would go play bingo together at the high school), and especially my wedding.
Dad, I want you to know that I married the most amazing man. You always taught me not to settle and to be with someone who was strong and caring and could take care of a family. I wish so badly you could have really got to know Cody, because he is so much more than that. He pushes me the way you always did, constantly encouraging me. My wedding day was the best day of my life, but all day I wished so badly you could have been there. You would have been so proud of James though, he really filled your shoes well.
This past year without you has been quite a busy one. I moved again and I am still in school. I started coaching this year but it is sooo hard for me to play with the girls. Sports were always our thing, you always made that a priority and so it is hard for me to do it without you. That sounds silly, huh?
I miss you so much. I miss hearing you say “SASSO!” when you call me, I just miss you calling me! Sometimes I will pick up Cody’s phone when it is ringing and it says “Dad calling” and it just breaks my heart because mine will never say that again. I miss your silly sense of humor and even your stubbornness. I miss being able to send you cards and pictures and I miss just hugging you. Mostly I miss you dancing around the living room!
The night before you left was the worst night of my life. You struggled so much to just eat your dinner, I stayed up with you most the night. I was strong though, I didn’t want you to see me cry and I wanted you to feel like the parent still. I remember in the morning leaving your house and going to see my mom and I just broke down. I couldn’t bare to see my big, strong dad so weak. I got myself together and went in to make you some breakfast. You thanked me for taking care of you the night before.....my heart just sank. And then it happened, you were just sitting there and you slipped into unconsciousness. I held your hand for hours and just talked to you and sang you songs from our childhood. I wanted so badly to hear you say you loved me once again. James was hours away and we thought he wouldn’t make it...but I know you held on for him. When he got there, you woke up! And I got my wish...you said you loved us. Then it happened again, you were unconscious. The two of us sat there beside you for hours, singing to you together and just talking. Then you took your last breath....and you were gone. I remember that EXACT moment. Everyone was sooo upset but I just had this moment of peace, because I could imagine your spirit leaving your body and you were free. No more pain or suffering...no more treatments, no more coughing or nausea. You were once again the strong man you had always been.
Daddy, that day was so hard but I am so glad I got to be there with you. I am so fortunate because the day before I had talked to you and told you everything I could possibly need you to know. I apologized for so much and thanked you for everything. I know that you knew I loved you and there are no regrets now.
So today is 1 year since you have been gone, and every year from now on will be that much closer to when we get to be together again. I know that you are a righteous man and you are in heaven. I know that you see me and I want to always make you proud of me. I love you so much, you are my inspiration and my heart. I can’t wait to be reunited as a family so we can all dance together in heaven.
I love you daddy, so so much.
Love always,
Sissy Missy
25 Random Things About Me...
1. I love the smell of gasoline.
2. I wish I was still close to my friends from high school and my sorority sisters
3. I can't sleep if I am wearing socks
4. I miss my long hair and it is taking forever to grow back!
5. I wish my brother would move to Utah
6. I have a huge fear that I won't be able to have children
7. I secretly hate getting balloons because I hate having to pop them
8. I hope to one day publish a novel
9. I wish I was closer (emotionally) to my family.
10. I constantly crave diet coke
11. I am always counting in my head and I hate even numbers (ie the volume on the tv needs to be an odd number).
12. I like salty food more than sweets.
13. I wish I had continued to play sports in college
14. I still haven't allowed myself to grieve my dad's death even tho its been almost 6 months
15. I am obsessed with buying heels that I might not ever wear but just want to have in my closet : )
16. I think I sometimes let people take advantage of me because I don't want to deal with standing up for myself
17. Cody is the best person I have ever met and he reminds me a lot of my brother
18. I can't wait to be finished with school and I feel retarded for not finishing years ago.
19. I helped my ex-boyfriend and his family butcher and package a moose and haven't been able to eat beef since (over a year ago now)
20. I love to scrapbook but I rarely do it.
21. I have a lot of guilt about the day my dad died and wonder if I made the right decisions.
22. I hope that I will have a better relationship with my daughter than my mom has with me.
23. My favorite band is forever The Backstreet Boys
24. I dream of one day owning a boutique with Brianne.
25. I used to be able to put both feet behind my head.
2. I wish I was still close to my friends from high school and my sorority sisters
3. I can't sleep if I am wearing socks
4. I miss my long hair and it is taking forever to grow back!
5. I wish my brother would move to Utah
6. I have a huge fear that I won't be able to have children
7. I secretly hate getting balloons because I hate having to pop them
8. I hope to one day publish a novel
9. I wish I was closer (emotionally) to my family.
10. I constantly crave diet coke
11. I am always counting in my head and I hate even numbers (ie the volume on the tv needs to be an odd number).
12. I like salty food more than sweets.
13. I wish I had continued to play sports in college
14. I still haven't allowed myself to grieve my dad's death even tho its been almost 6 months
15. I am obsessed with buying heels that I might not ever wear but just want to have in my closet : )
16. I think I sometimes let people take advantage of me because I don't want to deal with standing up for myself
17. Cody is the best person I have ever met and he reminds me a lot of my brother
18. I can't wait to be finished with school and I feel retarded for not finishing years ago.
19. I helped my ex-boyfriend and his family butcher and package a moose and haven't been able to eat beef since (over a year ago now)
20. I love to scrapbook but I rarely do it.
21. I have a lot of guilt about the day my dad died and wonder if I made the right decisions.
22. I hope that I will have a better relationship with my daughter than my mom has with me.
23. My favorite band is forever The Backstreet Boys
24. I dream of one day owning a boutique with Brianne.
25. I used to be able to put both feet behind my head.
The Proposal :)
Cody took me out to my favorite restaurant, "The Happy Sumo". It has the most amazing sushi ever and just has a good atmosphere. Everything is red and black and the building is pretty dim. Each table is decorated with tea candles. There are tables all over and then along the walls are booths, each with red curtains pulled back.
Usually the wait is a good 45 minutes, but we were seated immediately. We walked to the back of the restaurant to our booth and i was instantly shocked when I saw where we were sitting. There were red rose pedals leading up to the booth, all over the seats, and all over the table. Then in the middle of the table was a big, beautiful black vase with 2 dozen red roses. When we sat down, the waitress closed the curtains. I was clearly in shock.
Cody was very sweet, super affectionate and kissy. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He told me he had written me a poem. I was pretty suprised because Cody is not really the poet type. He started reading it and tears were running down both our faces. Each time he finished a verse, he would kiss me. : ) The last line said "I'm sorry it took me so long to ask, but will you be my wife"?
Once he was done reading it, he took my hand and lead me out of the booth. He got down on one knee and pulled out the ring. He told me he loved me and couldn't imagine not spending his life with me and asked if I would marry him.
After I said yes and everything, we shared our sushi and it was wonderful! Even tho I knew he would probably ask me, I was still 100% in shock. After dinner, I thought the night was over...but I was so wrong!
He told me he wanted to go for a drive, so we drove to the other side of Provo and into a park. It was about 9:30 by this point. He pulled in and asked if I would go on a walk with him. After we walked a little ways, I could see a fire up ahead. Next to it was a blanket laid out surrounded by candles. There were 2 fancy glasses with a bottle of sparkling cider set in the snow. Next to the fire was a lil pan with chocolate in it, which we later melted over the fire to make fondue. There was also a beautiful spread of fruit, apples and bananas, etc for us to dip in the chocolate.
We sat on the blanket together and just enjoyed the end of our romantic evening. To be honest, I was still pretty much in shock. Cody couldn't stop smiling and was just so sweet.
After the fire died down, we went back to my place and called/texted everyone the great news.
It was pretty much the best night of my life! I later found out that he had called my brother to ask for his permission to marry me. It was the sweetest gesture ever. Obviously, I wish he could have called my dad, but the fact that he thought about calling my brother just shows me yet again that he really is perfect for me!
Everyone wants pics of the rings posted, so I did. We are planning on getting married in early May, date tba. I am setting up a wedding blog to keep everyone in the loop and to get everyone's input. Message me your email and I will add u to my page!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Welcome!
Well I finally started a blog! It seems like every time I have moved, whether it be from home to college, from California to Utah, from Utah to Texas, from Texas back to Utah, and now from Utah to another part of Utah, I have had to leave a lot of people I care about and miss very much. Hopefully this will be yet another way of keeping in touch with everyone and keeping everyone updated on my life.
So a little you should know about me and my life right now....I was married in May and I couldn't be happier with Cody. I just received my associates degree and am working on my bachelors degree in English Ed so I can be a teacher. I am coaching high school volleyball in hopes of someday being a head coach. I talk to my mom and brother often, they are so important to me and I wish they lived closer. My dad passed away last year. It still doesn't seem real. Everyday I wish that I had more time with with. He has been so much to me and I can't wait to see him again someday. Since I have been so far from home, my friends have become my family.
Things that I want to accomplish in my life... I want to always be a family oriented person. I struggle to stay connected with my family from California. Distance really makes things hard. But my aunts were like my sisters at one point and I continue to look up to them always. I want to be a big part of my sister's life and her children's lives. It's so hard when the one thing that connected 2 people is no longer there. I want to always stay close to my friends. I tend to push people away when I don't want to deal with "life". Over the past few years I have changed and grown so much, but to do that have had to go through a lot and it seems that through that I have lost sight of some good friendships.
On a lighter note, I want to have a handful of kids and have a tight family, I hope to publish a novel...or 2! I want to learn how to crochet and I want to become more fit...run a marathon or something! Well, maybe a triathlon? I want to get my masters degree and teach night classes at the local college, wherever that may be. I want to someday have ALL of my pictures scrapped...that's quite a project! I want to learn how to play the guitar, how to take pictures, take a pottery class, and travel a lot!
I know that I am so blessed to be where I am and to have a good husband beside me. I am grateful for everyone in my life...I love you all!
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